Dear Raccoons,
Hello to you all. I am the lady who lives in that big brown house on the hill. Lately, we have been setting, what we humans call, “live traps.”
They are designed to capture you alive, with good food, so as not to harm you or any of our little dogs in the process. Many of you may be wondering “WHY” we are doing this.
The short answer is, I asked you nicely to stay away from our bird feeders, and from our little dogs. And you did not.
Now there is some question among as to what makes them “our” bird feeders. Again, the short answer. We went to work, we earned money, we purchased the bird feeders, and the food to put in them. We then erected the feeders, and we fill them daily with the intention of feeding the birds. Personally, I don’t mind if YOU eat the food, but you taunt my dogs in the process. And the last fight between you all was a doozy.
Again, I asked you very nicely to stop.
So now, as a result, we have set the live traps.
I told my mother while visiting her this evening, that we had set some traps, and we have caught 12 of you raccoons. Big friggin’ hairy raccoons, I might add.
She replied, “Oh. That is just awful. Terrible! Their family and their friends are probably missing them, and wondering what happened to them. They are probably worried sick about where they are.”
Of course, I felt terrible then too. So I am here to tell you now, your raccoon friends and your raccoon family are in a very happy place. We sent them, all expenses paid, to the Rolling Rock Raccoon Ranch. It’s a little piece of heaven.
Truly, a great place. They can learn lots of new things there. Anything really. Etiquette skills, job strengths and vocations, recreational activities, knitting, karate… anything, They can even join the Raccoon School for Performing Arts, if they like. Or go fishing.
They are so happy there, and well fed. It is like paradise. Nirvana.
So no worries. Your family and friends are just fine. Reeeealllly they are.
Now. Stay off our bird feeders, please. I am asking you nicely.
Most sincerely,
The Lady in the Big Brown House.